Black Ice - Grief in the Scars

"It was late November, and we were just leaving my parents house to return home after a great family dinner.  We had stayed a bit longer then the rest of my siblings, talking with my parents about our plans for the rest of the week.  

As we had done a hundred times before, we said 'Bye' and made our way out the back door and down the concrete steps.  We followed the back sidewalk past the garage door bringing us to a short step down onto the driveway.  I had failed to notice a small patch of black ice and as I stepped down, my right foot shot out from under me.  I tried as hard as I could to counter the fall by twisting my left leg outward in an attempt to gain some sort of traction...but it was no use...I was going down."

It has been five and a half years since I tore the cartilage in my left knee, and although I would say that the surgery I ended up having was very successful, there are many times when I am reminded of that day because of the pain I still feel in my knee.  I am not only reminded of the fall itself, but of the day and weeks surrounding it.

Scars are a part of life.  They remind of us of times when we may have been foolish and daring, angry and aggressive, or even scared and weak.  They remind us of how fragile we are...and that there are so many things that are out of our hands.  They remind that we are not always in control, and that sometimes we don't know what is best.  They remind us that we can and will experience pain when we are wounded.  

"My mom heard our voices and opened the door at the top of the stairs. She yelled out ....'No'!  Her voice was full of unbelief.  My heart was rushing and as Paul helped me to my feet my mind started to race.  I heard my mom say, 'I can't believe it...I can't believe that this just happened', and I felt the same way...how could this have happened.   We became very silent in our disbelief, simply got in the car and drove home.  By the time I was ready to go to bed, I had started to spot heavily...and I knew in my heart that there was no reason to hope.....the embryo had not taken."

To this day...every time my knee hurts, I remember the weeks leading up to the day when I slipped and fell on that black ice.  I remember mentally preparing to begin our in-vitro cycle, psyching myself up for the self administered hormone injections in my stomach.  I remember the painful procedure of the egg extraction.  I remember the hope that came from seeing the tiny air bubble (aka Hiebert Embryo) on the screen as they placed it in my uterus.  And...I remember the week before I fell...believing that we might be pregnant and have a baby of our own. But most of all my 'scar' reminds me of that moment when I hit the ground, bringing with it all of the emotions, fears and aching that followed.


Although this was 5 years ago...my heart still seeks to understand why this happened.  Where was God when I needed him?  Why did He not intervene?  These are questions that I'm sure you've asked as well...and they are good questions to ask.  But the greater question remains:  Do I (you) believe that He...the Loving Father...is good even when bad things happen to us or to those we love?  Do we believe that this is all a game...and we are pawn on a chess board....or that there is a reason that He has not yet revealed to us?


Ask the questions...seek the truth...and the truth will set you free...

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