Passionate Patience

Lately, I've been reflecting a lot on the word perseverance.  When I shut my eyes and think of this word, I clearly see my grandparents faces.  A little tired, worn, aged and yet beautiful.  Their faces reflecting the lessons, hardships, joys and yearnings of all the things that once were and of those that were not.  Every wrinkle tells a story.  Every age spot holds within in it a memory that will not likely be forgotten. On one hand it makes me sad, and on the other hand it encourages me to press on towards the years that wait before me.


This is perseverance.


I am so often amazed by the unfaltering grace that is shown by the weaving together of God's plan in our lives.  In fact, it does not surprise me at all that one of my most cherished group of verses while growing up was Romans 5:1-11, and more specifically verses 3 + 4.


     ' Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. ' 


I had no idea what was in store for my life, as is with most people.  In fact, if anything...my life was going to be perfect and everything was going to unfold exactly how I had imagined.  Maybe a little hiccup here or there...but all in all, the story would unfold and the smiles would come easy.  I would say that most of us grow up with this sort of thinking.  We see other's going through hardships....such as facing cancer, losing a loved one in an unexpected accident, or bearing a child with severe disabilities...and for some reason we think it won't happen to us.  It's not that we aren't aware that it could happen to us...but instead we truly feel that it won't.   And...then it does.  It is that moment when the unexpected intercepts the dream and we have to make a choice.  We either quit or we push forward.  We let death or the thoughts of death envelope us, or we face our suffering head on and invite perseverance to be our personal companion down the long, lonely road ahead.


It's easy to fight a battle if you KNOW that you will win.  It's a whole different ball game to persevere when you are unsure if there will ever be a reward for your efforts.  You see, the above verse states that the reward IS hope.  But hope does not always mean that you are going to get what you want.  Hope is a state of mind...it is a way of being.  You cannot place conditions on hope. It is something that grows within you...with time...like peace.


I think the translation from The Message (Romans 5:3-5) explains it best...


"There's more to come:  We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next.  In alert expectance such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged.  Quite the contrary - we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our life through the Holy Spirit! "


Now...when I look in the mirror...I'm starting to see wrinkles...and that makes me smile.

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The Beauty of Wind

I grew up in the prairies (Southern Alberta) and it was pretty much windy every day of the year....at least that's how I remember it.  Whether there was rain, snow, hail or no precipitation at all....there was always wind.  The worst was in the middle of summer when it was so dry that the wind would pick up the dirt off the ground and blow it straight into your face.  Yes,...you could say that I'm not a big fan of the wind.

And then everything changed!!!  About 3 years ago now I was lured onto a sailboat with my accomplished husband at the helm, and my bitterness and anger towards the wind completely vanished.  It was one of those life altering moments... you know, when the stars line up in a perfect row and you realize that you have been MISSING OUT!  

Sailing changed me in a profound and deep way, introducing me to an entirely new playground to find and experience joy in.  The glorious beauty of nature surrounding you while you cut across the sea is something that can't be measured.  The birds above, the whales and dolphins below, the mountains rising up from behind and in front of you.  Nothing beats it. There are moments of shear pleasure, and once in a while moments of uncertain terror...but it is exhilarating and life giving!  There is this moment of magic when the wind fills the sail of a 2 tonne boat, heeling it over and pushing it forward.  The first time I experienced this I screamed with pure joy...!

As every sailor can attest too, the best thing about sailing is....yes you guessed it.  The WIND.  How ironic and comical it is that the one thing that I despised so greatly while growing up, has become one of the things that I can't get enough of now.  The power of the wind takes your breath away and you can't help but find yourself getting caught up in it.  It lets you know undoubtedly, that you are not the one in control.


Life is interesting...is it not?  One moment we can't stand something, the next minute we are in awe of it.  One moment we are shaking our fist at God, and the next we are filled with His love for us, grateful for His amazing provisions.  We resist change and fight against the injustices that seem to come our way because we can't see them as anything but unfair.  We find ourselves angry with God and with people around us who can't understand our struggles, blaming everyone and everything but ourselves for the pain we are in.  We forget that we have been given the opportunity to triumph over evil and rise above that which brings us down.  


Remember what I wrote in my first blog entry...that our greatest testimony to those around us is to be MOST SATISFIED in God, in the midst of our suffering.  This means making a choice to declare that God is Good even when it does not appear to be so. It is not the struggle or challenge that we are faced with that defines us,... it is the way we respond to that challenge and the manner in which we overcome it that shows our true character.


Life hits all of us at different times with pain, sickness, loneliness, despair and death...and there is nothing in OUR power to change that.  It is only through God...and through Him alone, that we can face these battles with boldness.


                  We cannot control the wind....but we can adjust our sails!






 

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The Intervener? (continued)

For some reason, this past Christmas was the first Christmas in many years that I was able to embrace the season without any bondage or bitterness tangled around my heart.  I found myself putting up our tree and throwin in the carol CD's long before December was even in sight.  This year was just different and every ounce of the amazing Christmas story seemed to seep it's way into my core.

As mentioned in an earlier post, the Chris Tomlin christmas album (Glory in The Highest) was in my car and on repeat!  And one regular morning as I drove to work the song Emmanuel came on and as I sang along with the first two verses these words leapt out at me and the Spirit of God filled the car.

             What hope we hold this starlit night, a King is born in Bethlehem

             Our journey long, we seek the light that leads to the hallowed manger ground

             What fear we felt in the silent age, four hundred years; can He be found

             BUT broken by a 'baby's cry', Rejoice in the hallowed manger ground

I instantly felt goosebumps come over me as I sat there, with tears running down my cheeks.   It was as though I had been transported back in time to the manger scene and into an utter dark silence representing a world locked in sin and pain...and then, a small yet shocking sound of a solitary babies cry broke forth into the darkness....tearing it in two.  

Can you imagine the sudden awakening of all creation, rising out of their slumber and standing at attention...in awe of this, this Saviour?  Can you understand why the heavenly hosts would've broke into a thousand chorus of GLORIA?  In that moment, the Son of God (Emmanuel) came down to earth and in an instance...life as we know it was changed forever.  He came to fight on our behalf, to bring light into this world that told us that there was no hope.

And as I drove to work, I was hit with this sudden and poignant truth...He did INTERVENE. 

I had been waiting all this time for God to intervene on my behalf and do a miracle, but I was outlining what it was to look like.  I was sitting in the driver's seat once again trying to dictate how GOD should do what I wanted, and give to me what I felt I needed...instead of letting go, and being content in Him.  I was too busy looking for the ways that He was intervening in the lives of those around me to realize that not all interventions by God are 'Happy Miracles'.  When God moves in our lives, it is not with the intention to make us happy, but instead to make us whole.  And often His sole purpose is to teach us that only He can satisfy.

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The Intervener?

In-ter-vene 
To come between so as to prevent or alter a result or course of events. 


I'm sure we've all at one point or another asked ourselves how it is that God 'allows' children in Africa, Thailand, or places such as Haiti die from neglect and/or starvation.  Or how it is that He could sit back and 'allow' children to be beaten and starved within abusive homes?  I could continue on and on about different scenarios or circumstances where I have sat back and wondered how it is, that the Creator of All Life, the loving Father could take what I considered was a back seat to the injustice's of the world.  How could a Loving God choose to NOT run to the aid of his beloved children as they journey'd through suffering?


I fought with these questions for many years as I walked my path of infertility.  In my case the Dr's could find nothing wrong with me or my husband and no answers (to this day) could be given as to why we could not conceive.  I spent many days and nights in silence and deep despair, longing for my life to be over...longing for the deep pain to come to an end....longing for death.  And all the while I sat there and wondered how this 'Father', who supposedly loved me more than anything on earth could sit back and be silent...and not INTERVENE. 

In fact, as I sit here now...viewing this all from the 'other side', I would beg to say that throughout my struggle with infertility...this was indeed my most asked question.  And the anger in me only grew stronger when I would see those around me who were also struggling, experience that which I so longed for....an intervention on their behalf.  A miracle.


As I have pursued an answer to this question in my life, I have discovered many things out about myself and God.  


1)  This thinking that God is 'allowing' bad things to happen is wrong.   If you look at life this way, you will start to view 'God' as this entity, living up in the sky who is playing a game with your life.  You will begin to blame him for everything bad that happens to you or your loved ones and you will become bitter.


2)  Life happens and will continue to happen all around us.  There will always be sickness, death, famine, pain, injustice etc...in this world.  God is not orchestrating it, instead it is just the natural course of our existence on this round ball we call earth.  In my case, there is something in my body that is not creating healthy eggs...and that is just life.


3)  This is the hard one.  As life happens, God can and will choose to intervene.  Period.  Why He intervenes or why He doesn't intervene is the tough question to deal with.  It is not because He is playing a game with your life, but instead because He sees the full picture and has a reason for His choice to intervene or not.  


4)  Finally...am I OK with the above?  Can I accept that He has a reason which I may never know of, or understand?  Can I continue to believe that He is Good?  Can I rejoice when He intervenes in the lives of those people around me with, (what I will call) Happy Miracles...and yet He does not do the same for me?


I can say that these thoughts and questions ruled me for most of the past 9 years, and they are not easily answered or accepted.  So I will end with this thought for those of you who are in this stage of your journey right now...embrace it, ask these questions, wrestle with God over them and don't give up easily.


(to be continued)....

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