Black Ice - Grief in the Scars

"It was late November, and we were just leaving my parents house to return home after a great family dinner.  We had stayed a bit longer then the rest of my siblings, talking with my parents about our plans for the rest of the week.  

As we had done a hundred times before, we said 'Bye' and made our way out the back door and down the concrete steps.  We followed the back sidewalk past the garage door bringing us to a short step down onto the driveway.  I had failed to notice a small patch of black ice and as I stepped down, my right foot shot out from under me.  I tried as hard as I could to counter the fall by twisting my left leg outward in an attempt to gain some sort of traction...but it was no use...I was going down."

It has been five and a half years since I tore the cartilage in my left knee, and although I would say that the surgery I ended up having was very successful, there are many times when I am reminded of that day because of the pain I still feel in my knee.  I am not only reminded of the fall itself, but of the day and weeks surrounding it.

Scars are a part of life.  They remind of us of times when we may have been foolish and daring, angry and aggressive, or even scared and weak.  They remind us of how fragile we are...and that there are so many things that are out of our hands.  They remind that we are not always in control, and that sometimes we don't know what is best.  They remind us that we can and will experience pain when we are wounded.  

"My mom heard our voices and opened the door at the top of the stairs. She yelled out ....'No'!  Her voice was full of unbelief.  My heart was rushing and as Paul helped me to my feet my mind started to race.  I heard my mom say, 'I can't believe it...I can't believe that this just happened', and I felt the same way...how could this have happened.   We became very silent in our disbelief, simply got in the car and drove home.  By the time I was ready to go to bed, I had started to spot heavily...and I knew in my heart that there was no reason to hope.....the embryo had not taken."

To this day...every time my knee hurts, I remember the weeks leading up to the day when I slipped and fell on that black ice.  I remember mentally preparing to begin our in-vitro cycle, psyching myself up for the self administered hormone injections in my stomach.  I remember the painful procedure of the egg extraction.  I remember the hope that came from seeing the tiny air bubble (aka Hiebert Embryo) on the screen as they placed it in my uterus.  And...I remember the week before I fell...believing that we might be pregnant and have a baby of our own. But most of all my 'scar' reminds me of that moment when I hit the ground, bringing with it all of the emotions, fears and aching that followed.


Although this was 5 years ago...my heart still seeks to understand why this happened.  Where was God when I needed him?  Why did He not intervene?  These are questions that I'm sure you've asked as well...and they are good questions to ask.  But the greater question remains:  Do I (you) believe that He...the Loving Father...is good even when bad things happen to us or to those we love?  Do we believe that this is all a game...and we are pawn on a chess board....or that there is a reason that He has not yet revealed to us?


Ask the questions...seek the truth...and the truth will set you free...

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You Don't Choose a Life, You Live One

I don't really have a 'bucket list'.  Because of my life experiences thus far, I make sure that most of the 'dreams' I have, or goals I set remain very attainable and achievable.  I have endured the pain of not having a pretty significant dream of mine come true, and therefore my heart is guarded from dreaming 'big' altogether.


But there is one thing...one leg of my journey in life...that I do dream about.  It is a pilgrimage that I heard of...probably 6 years ago now, called the Camino de Santiago.  It is an 800 kilometer route that traverses through Northern Spain...ending in the city of Santiago, and more specifically at the Cathedral of Santiago where it is believed that the body of the Apostle James is buried.  It is a path that has been traveled by pilgrims of all faiths and backgrounds for over 1000 years mostly with the goal of seeking penance and restoration.  


In the summer of 2005, while attending a continuing education weekend with my husband, I had the privilege of hearing Sue Kenny (the keynote speaker) tell her story of trekking the route of the Camino de Santiago.  Her story was inspirational and immediately grabbed the heart of both my husband and I.  She talked about how she had been carrying her pain, anger, unforgiveness and sorrow around with her for many years and had allowed those things to fill up her heart, leaving no room for love.


Sue Kenny writes:


"The next day I left in the stillness of the winter morning to walk 34 kilometers alone. For some reason on this day I noticed neat piles of stones placed on the edge of the path or piled on top of the concrete markers that were decorated with a blue tile imbedded with a scallop shell symbol indicating the way to Santiago. I assumed the piles of stones were placed by the pilgrims before me and wanting to be a part of a historic ritual, I added a stone of my own. Even though I didn’t understand why I did this, I felt like I was a part of something very special.

Later that afternoon, I arrived at the refugio and introduced myself to the others who had journeyed from the four corners of the world. Everyone was from a different country and so the conversation was a feast of many languages. Luckily for me, someone was always able to translate what was being said into English.  During a lull in the conversation, I asked if anyone at the table knew the reasons for the piles of stones left along the way. Sitting directly across from me, Andreas, a young German pilgrim smiled with anticipation and told me he knew a story about the stones.  Speaking slowly, he explained. “It is said, if you pick up a stone and put some of your sorrow into it, when you place the stone down you leave some of your sorrow behind.”

I was moved. The story resonated with me. If I could leave my sorrow on the Camino, surely it would create more space in my heart for love. The next day, as soon as I went outside to begin walking, the first thing I did was to pick up a stone. I wasn’t sure how to put my sorrow into a stone, so I just imagined I could. Holding the stone in my hand as I walked, I caressed the smooth edges with my fingers like I was rubbing the sorrow into it. After a few minutes, I carefully set the stone down on the side of the path, letting go of my sorrow with it. Almost immediately, my heart opened up for more love and it felt so good that I wanted to pick up another stone right away. So I did, but this time I thought about putting the sorrow of my daughters into the stone. Seeing a small round stone, I picked it up for my oldest daughter Tara. I held it for a while as I walked, putting her sorrow into it and then I placed it down on the path. The next stone I picked up was for middle daughter Meghan. I held the it close to my heart imagining her sorrow was moving into the stone, and then I gently placed it down too. Finally, I picked up a stone for Simone, my youngest daughter. With intention, I put her sorrow into the stone too. Never at any time did I suppose I knew exactly what their sorrow was, I only knew they possessed it. This was my secret gift to them.  It was perfect. This would soon become a daily ritual for me.

(Taken from Sue's Book:  My Camino  -  http://suekenney.ca )

There is something about this story that just captivates me, resonates with me.  I think there are many of us who carry our sorrow around with us...all the time, believing that it is reasonable.  But we are here to live life, whether it is the life we wanted or not.  We must let go of our sorrow and fill our hearts up with forgiveness and love and move forward on the journey set before us.  This is part of the road to becoming Most Satisfied in him, in the midst of our suffering.

Emilio Estevez and his father Martin Sheen made a great movie about a father's journey on the Camino de Santiago entitled "The Way".  It is a powerful and inspirational story about the challenges we face while navigating this thing called....life.

http://www.theway-themovie.com/index.php

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