Black Ice - Grief in the Scars

"It was late November, and we were just leaving my parents house to return home after a great family dinner.  We had stayed a bit longer then the rest of my siblings, talking with my parents about our plans for the rest of the week.  

As we had done a hundred times before, we said 'Bye' and made our way out the back door and down the concrete steps.  We followed the back sidewalk past the garage door bringing us to a short step down onto the driveway.  I had failed to notice a small patch of black ice and as I stepped down, my right foot shot out from under me.  I tried as hard as I could to counter the fall by twisting my left leg outward in an attempt to gain some sort of traction...but it was no use...I was going down."

It has been five and a half years since I tore the cartilage in my left knee, and although I would say that the surgery I ended up having was very successful, there are many times when I am reminded of that day because of the pain I still feel in my knee.  I am not only reminded of the fall itself, but of the day and weeks surrounding it.

Scars are a part of life.  They remind of us of times when we may have been foolish and daring, angry and aggressive, or even scared and weak.  They remind us of how fragile we are...and that there are so many things that are out of our hands.  They remind that we are not always in control, and that sometimes we don't know what is best.  They remind us that we can and will experience pain when we are wounded.  

"My mom heard our voices and opened the door at the top of the stairs. She yelled out ....'No'!  Her voice was full of unbelief.  My heart was rushing and as Paul helped me to my feet my mind started to race.  I heard my mom say, 'I can't believe it...I can't believe that this just happened', and I felt the same way...how could this have happened.   We became very silent in our disbelief, simply got in the car and drove home.  By the time I was ready to go to bed, I had started to spot heavily...and I knew in my heart that there was no reason to hope.....the embryo had not taken."

To this day...every time my knee hurts, I remember the weeks leading up to the day when I slipped and fell on that black ice.  I remember mentally preparing to begin our in-vitro cycle, psyching myself up for the self administered hormone injections in my stomach.  I remember the painful procedure of the egg extraction.  I remember the hope that came from seeing the tiny air bubble (aka Hiebert Embryo) on the screen as they placed it in my uterus.  And...I remember the week before I fell...believing that we might be pregnant and have a baby of our own. But most of all my 'scar' reminds me of that moment when I hit the ground, bringing with it all of the emotions, fears and aching that followed.


Although this was 5 years ago...my heart still seeks to understand why this happened.  Where was God when I needed him?  Why did He not intervene?  These are questions that I'm sure you've asked as well...and they are good questions to ask.  But the greater question remains:  Do I (you) believe that He...the Loving Father...is good even when bad things happen to us or to those we love?  Do we believe that this is all a game...and we are pawn on a chess board....or that there is a reason that He has not yet revealed to us?


Ask the questions...seek the truth...and the truth will set you free...

Read More

You Don't Choose a Life, You Live One

I don't really have a 'bucket list'.  Because of my life experiences thus far, I make sure that most of the 'dreams' I have, or goals I set remain very attainable and achievable.  I have endured the pain of not having a pretty significant dream of mine come true, and therefore my heart is guarded from dreaming 'big' altogether.


But there is one thing...one leg of my journey in life...that I do dream about.  It is a pilgrimage that I heard of...probably 6 years ago now, called the Camino de Santiago.  It is an 800 kilometer route that traverses through Northern Spain...ending in the city of Santiago, and more specifically at the Cathedral of Santiago where it is believed that the body of the Apostle James is buried.  It is a path that has been traveled by pilgrims of all faiths and backgrounds for over 1000 years mostly with the goal of seeking penance and restoration.  


In the summer of 2005, while attending a continuing education weekend with my husband, I had the privilege of hearing Sue Kenny (the keynote speaker) tell her story of trekking the route of the Camino de Santiago.  Her story was inspirational and immediately grabbed the heart of both my husband and I.  She talked about how she had been carrying her pain, anger, unforgiveness and sorrow around with her for many years and had allowed those things to fill up her heart, leaving no room for love.


Sue Kenny writes:


"The next day I left in the stillness of the winter morning to walk 34 kilometers alone. For some reason on this day I noticed neat piles of stones placed on the edge of the path or piled on top of the concrete markers that were decorated with a blue tile imbedded with a scallop shell symbol indicating the way to Santiago. I assumed the piles of stones were placed by the pilgrims before me and wanting to be a part of a historic ritual, I added a stone of my own. Even though I didn’t understand why I did this, I felt like I was a part of something very special.

Later that afternoon, I arrived at the refugio and introduced myself to the others who had journeyed from the four corners of the world. Everyone was from a different country and so the conversation was a feast of many languages. Luckily for me, someone was always able to translate what was being said into English.  During a lull in the conversation, I asked if anyone at the table knew the reasons for the piles of stones left along the way. Sitting directly across from me, Andreas, a young German pilgrim smiled with anticipation and told me he knew a story about the stones.  Speaking slowly, he explained. “It is said, if you pick up a stone and put some of your sorrow into it, when you place the stone down you leave some of your sorrow behind.”

I was moved. The story resonated with me. If I could leave my sorrow on the Camino, surely it would create more space in my heart for love. The next day, as soon as I went outside to begin walking, the first thing I did was to pick up a stone. I wasn’t sure how to put my sorrow into a stone, so I just imagined I could. Holding the stone in my hand as I walked, I caressed the smooth edges with my fingers like I was rubbing the sorrow into it. After a few minutes, I carefully set the stone down on the side of the path, letting go of my sorrow with it. Almost immediately, my heart opened up for more love and it felt so good that I wanted to pick up another stone right away. So I did, but this time I thought about putting the sorrow of my daughters into the stone. Seeing a small round stone, I picked it up for my oldest daughter Tara. I held it for a while as I walked, putting her sorrow into it and then I placed it down on the path. The next stone I picked up was for middle daughter Meghan. I held the it close to my heart imagining her sorrow was moving into the stone, and then I gently placed it down too. Finally, I picked up a stone for Simone, my youngest daughter. With intention, I put her sorrow into the stone too. Never at any time did I suppose I knew exactly what their sorrow was, I only knew they possessed it. This was my secret gift to them.  It was perfect. This would soon become a daily ritual for me.

(Taken from Sue's Book:  My Camino  -  http://suekenney.ca )

There is something about this story that just captivates me, resonates with me.  I think there are many of us who carry our sorrow around with us...all the time, believing that it is reasonable.  But we are here to live life, whether it is the life we wanted or not.  We must let go of our sorrow and fill our hearts up with forgiveness and love and move forward on the journey set before us.  This is part of the road to becoming Most Satisfied in him, in the midst of our suffering.

Emilio Estevez and his father Martin Sheen made a great movie about a father's journey on the Camino de Santiago entitled "The Way".  It is a powerful and inspirational story about the challenges we face while navigating this thing called....life.

http://www.theway-themovie.com/index.php

Read More

Passionate Patience

Lately, I've been reflecting a lot on the word perseverance.  When I shut my eyes and think of this word, I clearly see my grandparents faces.  A little tired, worn, aged and yet beautiful.  Their faces reflecting the lessons, hardships, joys and yearnings of all the things that once were and of those that were not.  Every wrinkle tells a story.  Every age spot holds within in it a memory that will not likely be forgotten. On one hand it makes me sad, and on the other hand it encourages me to press on towards the years that wait before me.


This is perseverance.


I am so often amazed by the unfaltering grace that is shown by the weaving together of God's plan in our lives.  In fact, it does not surprise me at all that one of my most cherished group of verses while growing up was Romans 5:1-11, and more specifically verses 3 + 4.


     ' Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. ' 


I had no idea what was in store for my life, as is with most people.  In fact, if anything...my life was going to be perfect and everything was going to unfold exactly how I had imagined.  Maybe a little hiccup here or there...but all in all, the story would unfold and the smiles would come easy.  I would say that most of us grow up with this sort of thinking.  We see other's going through hardships....such as facing cancer, losing a loved one in an unexpected accident, or bearing a child with severe disabilities...and for some reason we think it won't happen to us.  It's not that we aren't aware that it could happen to us...but instead we truly feel that it won't.   And...then it does.  It is that moment when the unexpected intercepts the dream and we have to make a choice.  We either quit or we push forward.  We let death or the thoughts of death envelope us, or we face our suffering head on and invite perseverance to be our personal companion down the long, lonely road ahead.


It's easy to fight a battle if you KNOW that you will win.  It's a whole different ball game to persevere when you are unsure if there will ever be a reward for your efforts.  You see, the above verse states that the reward IS hope.  But hope does not always mean that you are going to get what you want.  Hope is a state of mind...it is a way of being.  You cannot place conditions on hope. It is something that grows within you...with time...like peace.


I think the translation from The Message (Romans 5:3-5) explains it best...


"There's more to come:  We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next.  In alert expectance such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged.  Quite the contrary - we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our life through the Holy Spirit! "


Now...when I look in the mirror...I'm starting to see wrinkles...and that makes me smile.

Read More

The Beauty of Wind

I grew up in the prairies (Southern Alberta) and it was pretty much windy every day of the year....at least that's how I remember it.  Whether there was rain, snow, hail or no precipitation at all....there was always wind.  The worst was in the middle of summer when it was so dry that the wind would pick up the dirt off the ground and blow it straight into your face.  Yes,...you could say that I'm not a big fan of the wind.

And then everything changed!!!  About 3 years ago now I was lured onto a sailboat with my accomplished husband at the helm, and my bitterness and anger towards the wind completely vanished.  It was one of those life altering moments... you know, when the stars line up in a perfect row and you realize that you have been MISSING OUT!  

Sailing changed me in a profound and deep way, introducing me to an entirely new playground to find and experience joy in.  The glorious beauty of nature surrounding you while you cut across the sea is something that can't be measured.  The birds above, the whales and dolphins below, the mountains rising up from behind and in front of you.  Nothing beats it. There are moments of shear pleasure, and once in a while moments of uncertain terror...but it is exhilarating and life giving!  There is this moment of magic when the wind fills the sail of a 2 tonne boat, heeling it over and pushing it forward.  The first time I experienced this I screamed with pure joy...!

As every sailor can attest too, the best thing about sailing is....yes you guessed it.  The WIND.  How ironic and comical it is that the one thing that I despised so greatly while growing up, has become one of the things that I can't get enough of now.  The power of the wind takes your breath away and you can't help but find yourself getting caught up in it.  It lets you know undoubtedly, that you are not the one in control.


Life is interesting...is it not?  One moment we can't stand something, the next minute we are in awe of it.  One moment we are shaking our fist at God, and the next we are filled with His love for us, grateful for His amazing provisions.  We resist change and fight against the injustices that seem to come our way because we can't see them as anything but unfair.  We find ourselves angry with God and with people around us who can't understand our struggles, blaming everyone and everything but ourselves for the pain we are in.  We forget that we have been given the opportunity to triumph over evil and rise above that which brings us down.  


Remember what I wrote in my first blog entry...that our greatest testimony to those around us is to be MOST SATISFIED in God, in the midst of our suffering.  This means making a choice to declare that God is Good even when it does not appear to be so. It is not the struggle or challenge that we are faced with that defines us,... it is the way we respond to that challenge and the manner in which we overcome it that shows our true character.


Life hits all of us at different times with pain, sickness, loneliness, despair and death...and there is nothing in OUR power to change that.  It is only through God...and through Him alone, that we can face these battles with boldness.


                  We cannot control the wind....but we can adjust our sails!






 

Read More

The Intervener? (continued)

For some reason, this past Christmas was the first Christmas in many years that I was able to embrace the season without any bondage or bitterness tangled around my heart.  I found myself putting up our tree and throwin in the carol CD's long before December was even in sight.  This year was just different and every ounce of the amazing Christmas story seemed to seep it's way into my core.

As mentioned in an earlier post, the Chris Tomlin christmas album (Glory in The Highest) was in my car and on repeat!  And one regular morning as I drove to work the song Emmanuel came on and as I sang along with the first two verses these words leapt out at me and the Spirit of God filled the car.

             What hope we hold this starlit night, a King is born in Bethlehem

             Our journey long, we seek the light that leads to the hallowed manger ground

             What fear we felt in the silent age, four hundred years; can He be found

             BUT broken by a 'baby's cry', Rejoice in the hallowed manger ground

I instantly felt goosebumps come over me as I sat there, with tears running down my cheeks.   It was as though I had been transported back in time to the manger scene and into an utter dark silence representing a world locked in sin and pain...and then, a small yet shocking sound of a solitary babies cry broke forth into the darkness....tearing it in two.  

Can you imagine the sudden awakening of all creation, rising out of their slumber and standing at attention...in awe of this, this Saviour?  Can you understand why the heavenly hosts would've broke into a thousand chorus of GLORIA?  In that moment, the Son of God (Emmanuel) came down to earth and in an instance...life as we know it was changed forever.  He came to fight on our behalf, to bring light into this world that told us that there was no hope.

And as I drove to work, I was hit with this sudden and poignant truth...He did INTERVENE. 

I had been waiting all this time for God to intervene on my behalf and do a miracle, but I was outlining what it was to look like.  I was sitting in the driver's seat once again trying to dictate how GOD should do what I wanted, and give to me what I felt I needed...instead of letting go, and being content in Him.  I was too busy looking for the ways that He was intervening in the lives of those around me to realize that not all interventions by God are 'Happy Miracles'.  When God moves in our lives, it is not with the intention to make us happy, but instead to make us whole.  And often His sole purpose is to teach us that only He can satisfy.

Read More

The Intervener?

In-ter-vene 
To come between so as to prevent or alter a result or course of events. 


I'm sure we've all at one point or another asked ourselves how it is that God 'allows' children in Africa, Thailand, or places such as Haiti die from neglect and/or starvation.  Or how it is that He could sit back and 'allow' children to be beaten and starved within abusive homes?  I could continue on and on about different scenarios or circumstances where I have sat back and wondered how it is, that the Creator of All Life, the loving Father could take what I considered was a back seat to the injustice's of the world.  How could a Loving God choose to NOT run to the aid of his beloved children as they journey'd through suffering?


I fought with these questions for many years as I walked my path of infertility.  In my case the Dr's could find nothing wrong with me or my husband and no answers (to this day) could be given as to why we could not conceive.  I spent many days and nights in silence and deep despair, longing for my life to be over...longing for the deep pain to come to an end....longing for death.  And all the while I sat there and wondered how this 'Father', who supposedly loved me more than anything on earth could sit back and be silent...and not INTERVENE. 

In fact, as I sit here now...viewing this all from the 'other side', I would beg to say that throughout my struggle with infertility...this was indeed my most asked question.  And the anger in me only grew stronger when I would see those around me who were also struggling, experience that which I so longed for....an intervention on their behalf.  A miracle.


As I have pursued an answer to this question in my life, I have discovered many things out about myself and God.  


1)  This thinking that God is 'allowing' bad things to happen is wrong.   If you look at life this way, you will start to view 'God' as this entity, living up in the sky who is playing a game with your life.  You will begin to blame him for everything bad that happens to you or your loved ones and you will become bitter.


2)  Life happens and will continue to happen all around us.  There will always be sickness, death, famine, pain, injustice etc...in this world.  God is not orchestrating it, instead it is just the natural course of our existence on this round ball we call earth.  In my case, there is something in my body that is not creating healthy eggs...and that is just life.


3)  This is the hard one.  As life happens, God can and will choose to intervene.  Period.  Why He intervenes or why He doesn't intervene is the tough question to deal with.  It is not because He is playing a game with your life, but instead because He sees the full picture and has a reason for His choice to intervene or not.  


4)  Finally...am I OK with the above?  Can I accept that He has a reason which I may never know of, or understand?  Can I continue to believe that He is Good?  Can I rejoice when He intervenes in the lives of those people around me with, (what I will call) Happy Miracles...and yet He does not do the same for me?


I can say that these thoughts and questions ruled me for most of the past 9 years, and they are not easily answered or accepted.  So I will end with this thought for those of you who are in this stage of your journey right now...embrace it, ask these questions, wrestle with God over them and don't give up easily.


(to be continued)....

Read More

Oh My Soul...

There is something special about the human soul.  Although there are many opinions as to what the soul actually entails or represents....most people recognize that there is something within each of us that makes us who we are, that makes us human.

I believe that my soul is a gift.  I believe that my soul was created long before it was placed within this body of mine and that it was hand crafted and shaped and given life by the Creator of all Life.  I have no doubt of this.  

Part of my journey has been the long and seemingly unending path of unexplained infertility.  As is with most struggles in our lives...those that we cannot explain, understand or give a why explanation too can sometimes seem the most despairing.  Things like unexpected cancer in a newborn, or a sudden loss of a loved one can lead to a downward spiral of anger, bitterness and depression that even the strongest people cannot control.  In the midst of my pain and questions I remember finding a peace in the fact that although my heart was broken, and my spirit was laid bare,....my soul remained connected to the Creator, the giver of life.  My soul continued to glorify the Lord.  It seemed to have no choice but to do so.  It was as though my soul belonged to the Lord and even my pain and anguish could not separate it from Him.

I have been listening to the christmas album of Chris Tomlin's since November...at least, and I just can't seem to stop.  One of the songs that he has written on this particular album as a chorus that goes like this...

                 " My soul, my soul magnifies the Lord, my soul magnifies the Lord...

                                     for He has done great things for me, GREAT things for me! "

As I listen to this song and sing along, my spirit rises from within me and my heart rejoices with an overflow of God's truth....that HE IS GOOD and He has done GREAT things for me.  Not just for those around me, but for me too.  

I have not always felt this way, nor could I have sang this song even 3 years ago....but I believe that there is 

                                a time to grieve .... and a time to rejoice

                                a time to cry ..........and a time to smile

                                a time for death ..... and a time for LIFE

                                       and a time for the SOUL to SING.

This is a new song by Tim Hughes (Ecclesiastes)...and it says it all!

Tim Hughes (Ecclesiastes)

Read More